You Guys. We Have to Talk about Spiders.

Specifically, the two scary spiders I saw in the house last week. I do not like spiders. Now, I realize nobody does. That's like saying, "Everyone, I've thought about it a lot, and I'm pretty against genocide." But I do not like them.

One crawled into my bathroom sink one night while I was brushing my teeth like it frickin' owned the place. I washed it down the drain with hot water and had to have BA reassure me that they can't crawl back out of the drain bigger and stronger than before with a burning desire for spider vengeance.

The second one crawled OUT OF A BABY OUTFIT when I picked it up to put it on him and evilly skittered across the changing table. I grabbed the baby so fast that he started crying and smashed the spider with a wipe or something and seriously I don't know what I did with it I think I blacked out for a second.

So clearly we were at full infestation level and I had to Google "brown recluse" (DON'T) to see if that's what they were. I'm still not sure, but I'm not risking it. I have since learned that I should have kept one in a jar for analysis. What the actual F.

I called the exterminator but in the meantime was on high alert, especially at night. Little man is on his own in the crib at night, and my list of Things That Keep Me Awake used to go like this:

SIDS









kidnappers.

Now it looks like this:

SPIDERS
SIDS









kidnappers
kidnapped by spiders

And here's a thing about motherhood: I don't even care anymore about the spiders crawling on me in my sleep. But thinking about them crawling on or near the baby makes me feel like I can't breathe and my skin is flying off my body.

The exterminator came yesterday and sprayed his magic spray that I'm sure is so toxic but these are just the choices we have to make in life. He said he wasn't going to do the full Brown Recluse Treatment that involves sprinkling powder in the walls without confirmation that that's what we had, because it would cost like $600. What--are they only repelled by gold bullion? Whatever. Apparently it's their mating season (spiders', not exterminators') so they're all over. But this general spray should take care of it.

He also saw one while he was spraying, but it was "just a house spider." This made me feel better, because maybe they aren't all brown recluses having a convention up in this joint. Until he said, "you know, brown recluses get kind of a bad rap." (Stop it, you crazy man).

Me: Because their bites aren't really that bad?
Crazy man: No, because they only bite if they're provoked.
[Oh. And how do you provoke a spider? Maybe by simply being 80,000 times bigger than it is?]
Crazy man: I mean, all spiders bite. That little house spider will bite. It's just that their venom is worse for certain people because of their immune systems. Like old people. And babies.
[OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD I HATE YOU]

But wait. There's more. He also warned me that, because he'd sprayed, it will drive the spiders out. Which might mean in. To the house. So we might see "increased activity over a day or two."

And that is the story of how I paid $100 to have my house filled with more spiders.

If you need me, I'll be in the levitating spider-proof bubble with the baby and a gin & tonic*.

*in this version of the cocktail, which I just made up, the gin is vodka and the tonic is Xanax.