Update

Before this week's post, I wanted to give an update on our friends who went to Miami to try and have surgery to save their unborn twin girls. It felt like that deserved its own corner. If you missed the backstory, read here.

First, they were indeed candidates for surgery. This evaluation involved an extensive ultrasound to ensure that, aside from the TTTS, both girls were still on a normal developmental trajectory--no brain damage or incomplete development that would have compromised their future survival. Both girls looked normal. This ultrasound also revealed that they had Stage II TTTS, rather than the Stage III with which they'd been initially diagnosed. This is a significant difference and was good news.

Second, she had surgery on Wednesday morning. The doctor thought he could identify a plan of action from the ultrasound, so I presume that was relatively uneventful. Nothing could really be known until another ultrasound the following morning that would see how the twins had fared. Prior to surgery, the doctor was willing to allow a 75% chance that both twins would survive.

Third, they had that follow up ultrasound this morning. Two heartbeats were detected (!). My understanding is that this was one of the major hurdles--surviving the surgery itself. She is feeling well and having no contractions. She will be on temporary bed rest and then somewhat restricted for the rest of the pregnancy (avoiding premature birth is paramount to give the babies the best chance at "evening out"). Only time will tell how successful the surgery actually was in terms of correcting the problem and allowing for that evening out, but for now they are grateful and relieved.

If you sent your well wishes, I thank you and I know they do too. Baby A remains confident that s/he will meet both twin friends in early 2013.

A Request

This is a "very special episode" in which things take a turn for the serious. Just so you know.

It seems like this was one of those weekends where the universe got jammed up and too many people got bad news. I'd like to discuss one of these situations in particular and then a few generalities that have been on my mind while I wrestle with how to best support people (of varying degrees of closeness to us) through challenging times.

If you have a moment today, I'd like to request that you send up some good thoughts for friends of ours who found out on Friday that they're having identical twin girls. In the same appointment, the girls were also diagnosed with Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS). Essentially, there is an error in the blood flow between twins: one ends up with too much blood and amniotic fluid, and the other ends up with not enough. This causes serious problems for both babies.

The Specifics:

• TTTS occurs in about 10%-20% of monochorionic pregnancies (those in which multiple babies share one placenta, as in the case of identical twins).
• In the absence of intervention, 90%-100% of babies with TTTS die of heart failure in utero. 
• This couple is currently en route to Miami to consult with one of the nation's experts in TTTS. They will learn whether they are candidates for a relatively new surgical procedure in which an endoscope is used to identify the malfunctioning blood vessels, which are then sealed off with lasers. 
• When this surgery is performed, a few outcomes are possible. Sometimes, both babies die. Often, one twin survives and one does not. It is also possible that both twins survive and the pregnancy continues under higher supervision until delivery. In this case, there is actually a relatively low risk of long-term problems as the babies have a chance to even out developmentally the longer they stay in the womb. 
• The bottom line is that there is a very real possibility that our friends will lose one or both of their baby girls. I don't think I need to explain the difficulty inherent in this for them, their families, and close friends. It also leaves me wondering how they'll want or need to interact with us (or not) in the coming weeks, given that we're at exactly the same point in pregnancy and had been walking the road together. I think that will take sensitivity and awareness on our part. It's also given rise to some more general thoughts...

The General:

• Strong emotions, especially negative ones, are difficult for me. I would prefer to avoid them rather than confront them. I think this is true for a lot of people, but it's something that I try to be aware of when it's a situation that means someone else is in need. So I'm often left wondering what to do or say to people who are facing difficult circumstances. Too often, I think people who do not know what to say end up saying nothing at all. This has the unintended effect of making the bereaved feel neglected or forgotten. So I have come to the conclusion that I believe it is best to say something--the best you can come up with--rather than to say nothing at all. This is particularly true when it is most difficult to do so. I sent an email to the twin mommy, and after I sent it, I panicked that it was clumsy or not the right thing to say. But both she and her husband have thanked me, so I'm glad I said it, even if it wasn't the most eloquent thing I'd ever written. 
• All that being said, I do believe there are some general guidelines for things that are more or less helpful for people to hear. Many of the people I have talked to on this topic report being hurt by things that well-meaning people said to them in challenging times. Most of these comments fall into the category of "it was God's plan" or "at least you have [another child/some "silver lining"]...". As I said, the speaker means well and is trying to comfort. But I think people in the fog of grief are frequently not comforted by the complex idea that their loss is part of some plan. That may come with time, but not while emotions are still raw. I think that a simple, but genuine, "please know that I am thinking about you" covers all the bases. I try to start from there. Also, sending flowers is almost always right.
• One of the most basic human reactions is to help someone in need. Very often, this takes the form of a statement such as "please let me know if there is anything I can do." I have said this often, and I always mean it. However, over time, I have come to realize that, in a way, this places an additional burden on the bereaved. There's probably a lot that they need. But they aren't going to be able to identify it in a lot of cases, and if they do, I bet they won't call to let someone know. I try to identify a specific need and offer that--bringing a meal, watching a pet, getting the mail, picking someone up from the airport, etc. I offered to send someone over to mow the lawn while the aforementioned couple is in Miami this week, because they happened to mention it needed to get done. Yes, that is weird and random, but they can either accept it or not and I've tried to avoid burdening them with the task of letting me know what I can do. 
• These are just my thoughts on the general evolution of trying to become a more decent and thoughtful person. I know that many of you--who have experienced challenges and loss in a different way than I have--might have much to contribute or critique. Feel free to comment. In the meantime, take some time to appreciate the little things just as they are today--because it can all change in an instant. 

Life Lesson Guacamole

 final score notwithstanding, a lovely time was had by all

If you've ever been to family dinner at the Big House, chances are you've been given a job by the chef. Chances are good that you didn't really want this job. Chances are also good that the job had something to do with Dr. J's Life Lesson Guacamole. So you probably know this recipe, but I felt that it needed to be captured. Especially in time for football season.

First, a note from the chef himself--

My definition of life lessons:

Those things it is imperative for a father to impart to his daughters to prepare them for life in general and boys in particular.

Don't forget the the cilantro

Dad

So this isn't the only life lesson (see also: "Just say, 'they need to establish the run'"), but it's one of the tastiest. As it was forced upon imparted to many guests over time, well beyond just the daughters, it became known as Life Lesson Guacamole.

Ingredients:
2 ripe avocados
good salsa
red onion, chopped
2 jalapenos
cilantro
salt + pepper
fresh lime
[Ed. note: Dad doesn't bother with trivial things like measurements. Sorry. It will work out]

Scoop out the avocado and add to a bowl ("a wooden bowl adds 'panache'"). Add salsa. Finely chop jalapenos (remove seeds) and add to desired spiciness. Do not touch your eyes.

Chop cilantro--you can use a mini food processor--and add to taste with salt, pepper, and lime juice (the lime keeps it from turning brown). Serve fresh. Don't be afraid of salt or cilantro.

If refrigerating, add one of the avocado pits to the bowl to keep fresh (I don't know if this really does anything, but it's a rule). 

I was unable to get to it before the hungry masses, so consider this an action shot

Dressing for Two: Prologue

Up front: this is long, text-heavy, and relevant mostly to pregnant ladies. Feel free to skip.

Prologue: The Basics.

The intention of this post is to share a few things I have learned over the first half of this pregnancy in regards to finding clothes that fit well, are of acceptable quality, and are comfortable. It requires a delicate dance between spending, restraint, and creativity: one doesn't want to waste money (if you're not already panicking about how you're going to pay for baby, snaps to you), but I don't believe that we should be resigned to looking frumpy or feeling less-than-good about ourselves simply because we're trying to grow new humans. It can be enough of a challenge to cope with a rapidly changing body (and rocky emotions on top of that), and I think we've come too far as women to throw up our hands and put aside everything we've worked for--feeling good, building a career, being taken seriously--just because.

Gone are the days when pregnant women were hidden from public view, or (maybe worse?) had only these options available:

is there even a person under there?

All that being said, I acknowledge that I can only speak from my own admittedly limited experience. So I will say up front that the information herein has been true for me, my body, this pregnancy, at the time of this writing and in the seasons in which I was pregnant*. So feel free to use or disregard any of it in accordance with your own experience. 

*I started needing some maternity clothes in September and am due at the end of February. So we are talking generally fall/winter here.

Furthermore, I think I should be transparent about my maternity-clothing philosophy (did we know we had these?). I cannot be all things to all people, and your philosophy may differ from mine. But I'll be straightforward, so at least we all know what we are working with.

• I am not an extreme couponer. Some people want or need to make it through pregnancy without spending any extraneous funds on maternity clothing, and choose--by philosophy or by necessity--to make do with what is at hand, what can be borrowed or shared, and so on. I greatly admire this, and do not intend to pass any judgment on the needs of others. I have some flexibility in how I choose to spend a portion of the budget, and for now, I can choose to spend it on clothes for me if I want. Now, this can easily get WAY out of control. I look for sales, use group-discount/daily-deal sites, and am very judicious. I am also careful not to over-buy, because return policies on maternity clothes are cruelly unforgiving. I will discuss these points in more depth later. But the bottom line I wish to communicate is that I will spend some money up front to buy what I think are the higher-quality options and basics that will last longer, because sometimes that's more economical in the long run. To sum up: I'll spend when I can, but save where I can. So the rest of my advice flows in part from that position. 
• I don't have a lot of borrowing options. I think I've mentioned this before, so it doesn't need to be belabored. This is partly because this is our first baby, the first in the family, and on the first wave of babies in our friend group. It's also partly because the friends who have had babies have done so in different seasons and with different body types than me (and/or they are still pregnant, so not loaning things out!). This just is what it is. But it also means that I am shopping with an eye to share: if I buy the "better" jeans or the more classic cut, they might still be usable for me next time, or my sister, or another friend. So it gives me a little bit of an incentive to shop with an "investment" eye. I'll let you know if maternity clothes actually last that long. 
• I'm not going to be a great resource for women whose jobs require very professional dress. I'm a PhD student at a research university, and I spend a good portion of my days in school settings from Pre-K to higher ed. I need to look pulled-together and appropriate, but I am not required to wear suits, for example. I'm no lady lawyer. My main challenge will be what to wear in settings when jeans (even "nice" ones) are not appropriate. I know I have some friends who could weigh in on the topic of more professional dress, if needed--we'll pull in some guest posts. The bottom line here is using some little tricks to look more dressed up than you really are. 

Ok. Now that the disclaimers are out of the way, I can get down to what I do best: telling other people what to do. Let the bossing begin. 

A guiding principle...so there's this sign at the dealer where we take our cars to be repaired: "Cheap saddles ain't good, and good saddles ain't cheap." I know they put this there to try and make you feel better about how much you are paying for car repairs. I'm on to you, sirs. Anyway, this is worth bearing in mind when it comes to maternity clothes, with some amendments. NO maternity clothes are cheap, but many maternity clothes are cheaply made. I realize this is not fair. If you want to organize a protest, let me know. It leads to the first tips. 

1. Look for what you need in the non-maternity section (or in your closet).

I know, I know...you didn't need me to tell you this obvious "tip." But it will be a tenet to which I refer, so just let it ride.

I think that marketers and manufacturers prey on pregnant women somewhat. This translates into an instant markup just because something has a "maternity" label. Because one should always have data: I was at Target yesterday, and the plain white (regular) Mossimo-brand tank tops were $9. The plain white maternity tanks (no side ruching, fancy fabric, or any such maternity-ness) were $12.99 each. That can add up to a decent chunk when you're talking about the basics. The regular tank tops are definitely long enough and stretchy enough to wear for a bit, plus there were many more size and color options. It seems that stores stock less inventory in the maternity stuff, and I'm finding that my size is often sold out in the stores.

See if you can find something that fits the bill in the regular section, or among what you already own. This is most applicable to things like long tank tops, tunics, sweater dresses, and other long items that are currently en vogue. Also, maxi dresses. You might need to repurpose them (e.g., wear a dress as a top later on), and you may not be able to wear them all the way til D-Day, but it can keep you from being taken advantage of unnecessarily. 

Try: Old Navy, Target, J. Crew, lululemon (I am referring to their maxi dresses and other items, as you're likely familiar with my pant rant). 

2. Check out maternity versions of regular (or designer) clothing lines.

The first reason is that they may be more tried and true for you. The second reason is a corollary of Tip 1: the "maternity store" labels are often where they put the lower-quality clothing (but it's still not cheap, per se). For example, I went to Pea in the Pod to buy my sexy full-panel jeans, but they are Seven for All Mankind. I knew these fit my body well from pre-pregnancy experience, I knew my size, and I believe they're well made. After I tried on my jeans, I perused the rest of the store. Most of the tops and dresses were less well made and were unfortunate poly blends. They were total Monets: from far away, the cuts and patterns looked cute and now, but up close, they were a big ol' mess (the fabric was low quality and I think they'd come apart before too long). If that works for you, or you have room in the budget/closet for some throwaway items, go for it. I spent more on the higher-quality items (designer maternity jeans) and skipped the cheaper, less-well-made items. Honestly, for even cheaper, you can get the Old Navy basics and just layer. Quality over quantity, I guess you could say.

And because I have to say it: this is a generalization. You can, of course, get good non-designer items--especially jeans. But you need to be a critical consumer. Check the fabric, seams, and so on. Seriously, some of the stuff I've seen should not be worn near open flame. 

Try: Citizens of Humanity, Seven, Michael Stars Maternity (all available at maternity stores but also elsewhere as well as online), Gap, ASOS.

3. Join Gilt. 

This should have maybe been tip 1, because it would probably be my first piece of advice to anyone. I didn't really take note before, but they have a maternity (or kids) sale almost every day. The best part about this is that it's a workaround to the Cheap Saddles axiom: you have access to the pricier-but-better maternity lines (think: Rosie Pope) at a serious discount. Sure, you need to check it often, and the sale times are limited, and the ship times are long, but I think it's well worth it. This is where I've gotten some basics but, more notably, some "special occasion"-type items. These are dresses and such that I may not wear as often, but I could justify them at the discount prices. I likely would not have paid full price for them, but because they're better quality, I might be able to pass them on to others. I think it's still worth it to have some fun items that still let you feel good about yourself, even if they're not everyday staples. I think this will be especially true for me as this pregnancy will span the winter holiday season.

----

I don't really have a plan for this series, other than to continue it, so I'm declaring in advance that the organization might break down. Also, I would like for you all to feel free to join the conversation. Please weigh in if you have other advice or would like to do a guest post, and please also feel free to submit questions for me to address.

Later on, I hope to post some photos of actual outfits and break them down using these tips. You know, when I decide to wear pants again. 

16 Weeks

I would like to begin with an open statement to the lady who stole a parking spot from me at the Kroger yesterday. This was a parking spot for which I had patiently waited, while the previous occupant loaded her groceries, returned her cart, and pulled away. I wasn't rude; we shared a friendly wave-nod. And yes, I used my blinker. A textbook spot-claim. It wasn't even a very good parking spot, and wanting it had little to do with being pregnant, but I believe there is a special place in hell for people who steal parking spots from pregnant women. Because the worst part is that I almost cried and that's just ridiculous.

So, to you, lady: I hope that today you spill your coffee and hit all the red lights and run out of toilet paper and someone else eats the last pastry in the office kitchen that you wanted (except you didn't really look like you work in an office) and the dog barfs on your rug and all the other things that kind of make your day a little worse but aren't actually tragic. 

Total Weight Gain: I do not know. Creeping out of the "high-regular" numbers and into the ones I've never seen before. 

Size of Baby: Baby is about 4.5 inches long (head to bottom) and weighs about 3.5 oz. I'm told to "get ready for a growth spurt"--but I thought we were just having one?? Baby is about the size of an avocado. 

Baby's legs are much more developed, his/her head is more upright, and the eyes have moved closer to the front of the head (uh, good). Flexible thumbs now make it possible to grasp, though I hope there's not much in there to grab on to. Baby has even started growing toenails, and his/her little heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood a day. Phewph. 

Miller: just so you are not concerned anymore, the intestines should already be inside the body. 

Maternity Clothes: I am probably a little of Column A; a little of Column B. I'd likely be in maternity pants--IF I were wearing pants. I am guessing I would still be pulling them up from time to time, but it would be a welcome trade-off for the comfort factor. However, it's still too hot for jeans, so I am sticking to dresses, which are not maternity. 

I am working on a longer post (ok, it will be a series) about dressing for two, so I'll share some of what I've learned and perhaps some pics in the near future. 

Gender: Sara has not yet succeeded in her carefully-crafted plot to get us to go to a private ultrasound place and just find out already, so it's still a mystery. 

but you can still vote in the poll.

Movement: Yup. Sporadically, usually after I've eaten. No jabs or kicks--baby is not big and strong enough yet--but definitely the occasional bloop!

I like to imagine that this is baby affirming my food choices: Bloop! Tiny fist pump! I like pizza!

Me too, baby. Me too. 

Sleep: Can't make a consistent statement here. Sometimes acceptable, with the requisite bathroom trips, and sometimes very restless.

I thought the dreams were gone. I was wrong. Monday night:

We had won some sort of contest and the prize was a tour of the White House. The Obamas landed a helicopter at my parents' house (pretty fancy contest, huh?) and were going to pick us up to take us to DC. The baby was already here, and we had it (no obvious gender) in the car seat. Before takeoff, much deliberation was required regarding how to best put the car seat in the helicopter.

These are serious issues, folks. 

What I miss: Not much--in reality, I've got it pretty good at this point. There isn't much I'm unable to do, and I generally feel pretty good. I am beginning to suspect that the wild claims of boundless energy were somewhat overstated by others, but overall...it's good. 

Cravings: Not as bad this week. The idea of Hot Tamales still pops into my head from time to time, but I couldn't find any at the grocery yesterday, which is probably just as well. 

Other crazy symptoms: I think it's allergies + pregnancy, but headaches/sinus pressure, stuffy nose, and general blahs. Also, heartburn. 

Best Moment this week: Does the return of football count? 

--

It's only 8:30am, and Madigan has a major bee in her bonnet today. For at least an hour, she has been barking at non-issues (we call these "phantom emergencies," and I think she does it when she's bored or wants attention). Today, this has included the workmen next door--up the hill, who've been there for months--and the man across the street who had the audacity to stand in his OWN front yard this morning. Also, it's trash day. Today might be the day they meet their new friends, the citronella bark collars. Lord have mercy. 

Halloween Costumes

It's September, which means October is next, so it's ok to talk about this now.

So I thought this was a golden opportunity...pregnant (but not huge) at Halloween. Alas, either my creativity went out the window with everything else in my brain, or I just gravely misjudged the situation. Pregnant Halloween looks a lot like regular Halloween. According to the internet, you can be:

• sexy nurse (pregnant)
• sexy fairy (pregnant)
• "sexy" pirate wench (pregnant)
• an egg

This is leaving aside the entire genre of painted-belly costumes (beach ball, basketball), because no. Just no. 

It's looking like another year of just handing out candy at home, dressed as myself. Or perhaps in a passable tshirt.

this is kind of funny, right?

So, given plenty of time and some of the greatest minds I know--that'd be you people--any brilliant suggestions? Leave them in the comments.

Cider Smash & Fried Green Apples

Welcome back to Bourbon & Boots, one delusional pregnant woman’s corner of the internet. Today, we will be pretending it’s fall.

Coming up with apple recipes in August/early September is not as simple as one might guess. I think we would all happily make the mental leap to yummy fall apple treats, but the reality is that it’s not truly apple season yet. Bad grocery store apples are guh-ross. So I have tried to present two solutions that address this reality. The first is a delicious adult beverage that is fall-ish, but uses sparkling apple cider in lieu of real apples. The second recipe uses (green) apples, but works with summer foods like grilled meats or fish.

Cider Smash

A bourbon drink, obvi

Pour 2 ounces bourbon and ½ teaspoon fresh lemon juice into a tall Champagne-type glass. Top with chilled sparkling apple cider. If you wish, garnish with a thin red-apple slice.

Cider smash, far left. But feel free to drink all of these. 

Photo courtesy of Martha, not me

This makes one cocktail, which is a hilarious joke. I am going to math it up for you to make a larger batch for all to enjoy. 

To make 6 drinks (ok let’s be honest…4), combine the following:

1 ½ cups bourbon

3 cups cider

3 tsp lemon juice

This reveals an easy ratio. Just dump some bourbon in a pitcher and then add maybe about twice as much cider and some lemon juice. I think it would also be a pretty punch with some apple and lemon slices floating on top—in that case, 2 bottles sparkling cider to one (750ml) bottle bourbon. If you’ve ever been to one of our Derby or holiday parties, you know I love a punch. Guests do too. Cheers!

Fried Green Apples

These are intended to top or accompany your main dish—especially good with pork or fish

4 apples, thinly sliced

1 red onion, thinly sliced

2 tbsp minced garlic

3 tbsp cider vinegar

½ cup sugar

thyme

salt + pepper

Saute the onions in a little oil or butter (or even the bacon fat, if you're making the bacon-horseradish accompaniment below) until soft. Add the apples and cook 1-2 minutes. Add the rest of the ingredients and cook until tender, but not soggy (can you tell these are highly detailed instructions that I wrote down for myself?)

We like this with a bacon-horseradish sour cream, which I will find in Dr J's cookbook and add in later.