(Heads up: This is a long and text-heavy post, and it contains my opinions. It may or may not be relevant to your life. It even sat for a while before I hit Publish, because I'm not sure I want to be anything other than fun and fluffy here.)
Of course, our stated goal has been and remains keeping those near and dear to us updated on the happenings, even if those special people are geographically far away. This is one of the beautiful things about modern technology.
But there's also another reason. And that reason is this: there are things that do not belong on Facebook. I will pause and share this article with you, because I think it sums up this idea nicely (while it digresses somewhat at the end into Why Hipsters Do Not Like Babies, it still captures this phenomenon).
New York Times: "Unbaby.me Keeps Babies Off Facebook"
Here's the thing...I'm in that life phase where many of my friends (and, fine, old "acquaintances" I should really pare down) are indeed "popping babies like muffins." Even though I myself am now Poppin' Fresh, I don't want to see it. Yes, I want to know when the baby is born and everyone's ok. I'd like to see an especially cute or squishy or humorous image from time to time. You could never accuse me of hating babies. But I do not need your daily update. What it basically comes down to is this: Facebook is not, and should not be thought of as, "everyone's blog." Blogger is free. This is America. You can have your own blog.
To be fair, the blame does not lie entirely with the proud (oversharing) parents. Beneath every gratuitous baby bump or baby photo, you will almost certainly find at least one gushing comment imploring the poster to "post more pictures" or "keep us updated!" This person is almost always a well-meaning older second cousin or great-great-aunt or somebody's grandmother, which touches on another separate but related issue that will not be discussed in this post: What Happened When Our Parents Got On Facebook. But the fact is that this simply reinforces the behavior and encourages the cycle to continue.
(I will quickly point out that my mom and aunt are both on Facebook and are very, very good at it (one by never using it and one by actually being good at it). I am talking about OTHER PEOPLE'S relatives. Almost daily I think very, very hard about hiding someone's mom from my news feed. I know this is my fault for accepting their friend request in the first place, but...manners. You can't reject someone's mom. There's the rub.)
Anyway, I make a series of promises to you. After all, you come here on purpose knowing that you are going to see baby-related things (rather than having it forced down your throat on your news feed because, what? Like you're not going to check Facebook ever?). If you're visiting someone's blog, you're exercising a choice. Facebook, while not mandatory in life, isn't quite the same way.
- Never ever shall I post an ultrasound picture on FB. As my sister (a nurse practitioner) says: if women knew what parts of their bodies those things showed, they would NOT be posting them all up on there.
- Profile pictures are for the purpose of identifying the owner of the profile. If you want to be in the picture with your baby, that is cute. But it can't be just a photo of your baby, because you aren't your baby. Also, under no circumstances should your profile picture be an ultrasound picture (see above).
- The word "dilated," or derivation thereof (in the context of childbirth) has no place in a status update. If you cannot identify a subgroup of important people who should receive text alerts or emails when baby is en route, you may not be ready for an actual child.
- Ok, now, this one is sensitive. And will make me sound meaner than this post already has, but I know you're with me: sometimes, especially in the beginning, babies are weird looking. This is totally ok, because one of the beauties of nature is that every parent thinks his or her newborn baby is the most gorgeous creature who ever lived. Evolution has given us this gift. Some babies even ARE actually good looking early on. But when I'm checking the FB with my morning coffee, sometimes I get surprised with a pic that is...not flattering. And then BOOM I've thought a cringe-y thought about your baby. And then I see it's you, and I feel terrible, because I like you and I know your baby is actually going to turn out just fine with a little time and de-wrinkling. So please don't make me feel terrible before I've had my coffee; it's already hard enough out there.
- This one is more serious, but might be the most important. Some people don't have babies--this may be by choice or by circumstance. Some people might want them eventually, but aren't quite there yet. You don't know how these people feel about where they are in life, so a little sensitivity might be warranted. They can be happy for you but still have complex emotions about the matter, (such as "how is this going to change our friendship?" or "is everyone leaving me behind?") which is normal and understandable. Still other people might want babies right now, but for whatever reason, it's not happening for them. One of the things I've learned so far is that, as soon as you start trying to get pregnant, it feels like EVERYONE around you suddenly does--faster than you, and better than you, and more excitedly than you. Some people, whom you irrationally hate, "weren't even trying!" Guys, this is really hard, and we didn't even struggle with achieving the goal by any medical standard. Seeing other people's babies and bumps and listening to their "gripes" can really exacerbate the nagging feelings of doubt in your body or your plan that you are trying really hard to push out of your mind. Now, I'm not trying to imply that everything we post is or should be self-censored to an extreme degree just because someone somewhere might have feelings. But after walking that road, I've pledged that I will henceforth be as sensitive as possible when sharing our news or inquiring about the family plans of others, because you just don't know where other people are in their lives. So many well-meaning people asked when we'd be "getting started" (or made not-so-well-meaning "tick-tock" comments)--and it takes all your resolve not to burst into tears when it's just not happening for you. So a little bit of consideration can't hurt us, no?
This is a partial list, and will grow as I navigate this new world more. I would also welcome your suggestions for The Rules, because I know I'm not alone here (right?). You also have my permission to email me this very post if I ever break one of the rules.
I will now return my soapbox to its home.
And, finally, because the New York Times says people like it so much, here is a picture of some bacon instead:
